Professor Cassandra

Written on December 30, 2007, The Dark Mart was my very first fanfiction. It's about Harry Potter, of course, and it's in the humor category. It stars Voldemort, Wormtail, and Bellatrix, and it centers around a trip to Wal-Mart gone terribly wrong. Here it is in full--enjoy! Disclaimer: I own NOTHING! Thank you.

Voldemort was sitting in his study, altering his favorite set of robes, when Wormtail frantically barged in.

“Hello, Wormtail,” said Voldemort, “and what is so important that you would interrupt my bedazzling?”

“Well, master…,” said Wormtail, “it seems the Death Eaters have made a list of things they need, and it’s quite long… I’m afraid there’s only one place you can get all this…”

Voldemort took the list from Wormtail and read it.

“Yes…,” said Voldemort, “the store of evil, which even the Dark Lord is forced to visit sometimes… I believe there is no other way.”

Suddenly, a loud gasp was heard from outside the door, and then a voice could be heard. “The dark and sexy Lord Voldemort is going to some ‘store of evil’ alone? I don’t like this one bit!”

Voldemort sighed. “Bellatrix, are you listening in again?”

“No…”

“We had a talk about this. I know I’m amazingly hot, but try and control yourself.”

She entered the room, looking disappointed. “Yes, your handsomeness…”

“I don’t plan on going alone anyway. I’m taking one Death Eater with me, just to be safe. Oh, quit with the puppy dog eyes, Bella, it won’t work! Let’s go, Wormtail!”

“Ooh, burn!” said Wormtail, and with that, he and Voldemort Disapparated.

The two appeared in front of the mysterious “store of evil”. Voldemort stared up at the building with repugnance and determination in his snakelike eyes.

“This place radiates evil,” he said. “Well, we have a mission. Come on.”

They walked toward the door.

“Wormtail, I’m afraid this corporation rivals even my power. Remember, we are only here to get a few things. I want nothing more to do with this place than…..”

They walked in the door.

“…Holy crap! They have everything!”

“Welcome to Wal-Mart!” said the greeter. “Would you like a smiley face sticker?”

“No, I don’t want that ridiculous sticker! And neither does….Wormtail, put that back!”

Wormtail jumped in shock and dropped the sticker he was holding. Voldemort grabbed him by the sleeve and walked away, but not before pointing a finger menacingly at the greeter and saying, “You’ll get yours.” He then grabbed a cart and began to push it. It made squeaking and thumping noises.

“Blast,” he said, “I got a bad cart. What are the odds?” He looked down at the cart. “What the…? Wormtail, get out of it! You can walk just fine!”

“Yes, master..."

Pulling out his list, Voldemort read. “Let’s see here… Lucius needs hair gel, hair spray, hair mousse, shampoo, conditioner, after-conditioner conditioner (leave-in, of course), and five different kinds of brushes… This explains a lot.”

He was pushing the cart toward the hair care aisle when he saw two teenage girls. They were staring at him and whispering to each other.

“What are you looking at?” Voldemort demanded.

“Oh my gosh, Lindsey, he, like, totally noticed us!” said one of them.

“I know! He’s kinda cute, too! I wonder if he’s a senior. You should ask him out, Monica!”

“Oh my gosh, Lindsey! He, like, doesn’t have a nose!”

“You know, I’m standing right here,” said Voldemort. “I can hear every word you’re saying,”

The girls started laughing and ran away.

“I am so not a senior,” said Voldemort to himself. “I’ve still got a lot of youth left in me!”

Voldemort and Wormtail made their way to the hair care aisle. “So many brands!” exclaimed Voldemort. “What on earth should I buy?”

A lady was browsing the shelves nearby. Voldemort approached her, and she started to walk away.

“Stop right there, woman!” he yelled.

The lady stopped, and turned toward him.

“Good, now I need to know which--”

“Pervert!” she screamed, and pepper sprayed him in the eyes.

“Holy crap!” he shouted. “What is this, Crucio-in-a-can? Forget this! Wormtail, just get the cheapest brands!”

Wormtail obeyed, and Voldemort browsed for himself while he waited. He noticed a box. “’Just for Men’?” he said curiously. “I’m a man!” He picked up the box and looked at the back. “Hmm… It seems to have worked for the guy in the picture…” He placed the box in the cart.

“But, master,” said Wormtail, “Lucius doesn’t need--”

“Leave it in the cart, Wormtail…,” said Voldemort, a malevolent look on his face. “Now for Draco…a Malibu Barbie and some red lipstick. He claims they’re for his ‘girlfriend’. Yeah right… He also wants ‘stilettos’. Oh Lord, please let that mean he wants a set of knives…” He approached a sales lady, looking as threatening as possible. “I am the Dark Lord Voldemort, and I am feared above all in the wizarding world. I shall require your assistance.” He paused, for dramatic effect. “I need to find a Malibu Barbie.”

The sales lady giggled. “OK, Mr. ‘Dark Lord’, Barbies are on aisle five.”

“Thank you,” said Voldemort, an evil smirk on his face. “She was terrified. Did you hear that nervous laugh?”

"Yes, master...she was petrified."

They found all the things for Draco’s “girlfriend” and put them in the cart. Voldemort took another look at his list.

“Let’s see what Bellatrix needs…A book: ‘How to Win the Bad Boy’…Yeah right, like I’m buying that…And some black eyeliner. As if! Wormtail, run and get her a book about killing techniques instead. She’ll enjoy that. I’ll be waiting here by the electronics.”

Wormtail ran off and Voldemort walked over to the video games. He started playing a demo for a Harry Potter game. A kid walked up and watched him play for a few minutes. Finally, the kid spoke up. “The point of the game is to help Harry, not kill him.”

Voldemort turned to stare menacingly at the small child. “You play it your way, I’ll play it mine.”

A few minutes later, Wormtail returned with the book to find his master over by the music with headphones on, singing a song. “I’m V-to-the-O-L-D-the-I-the-E and can’t no other dark lord put it down like me, I’m Voldelicious… It’s hot hot, I’m so malicious… They want a taste of what I got, t-t-tasty tasty! V-to-the-O-to-the-L-D-E-M-O-R-T…”

“Master?”

“Oh! Uh…Hello, Wormtail…” Voldemort turned red (well, actually, he was still inhumanly pale, but not as much as usual). “So…let’s see what Snape wants, shall we?” He nervously glanced down at the list. “All he wants are poisonous potion ingredients, and I haven’t seen many of those around here, so I’ll just slip him one of Lucius’ twenty bottles of shampoo instead. He needs that more, anyway. OK, Wormtail, go to the checkout line. I’ll meet you there once I finish my song.”

Wormtail did not dare question the Dark Lord or his taste in music, so he obeyed. Once the “Voldelicious” song was over, Voldemort started to make his way toward the checkout line, but was soon interrupted by a sales lady.

“Oh, hello,” she said. “You must be here to promote the release of our new Harry Potter DVD box set! Wow, you look very convincing!”

“What are you rambling about, woman? Why would I support that brat?”

“Ooh, you act very convincing, too! I’ll just write up a check for you now.”

“Well, lady, I don’t know what the heck you mean, but I’ll accept your money.”

“Okey dokey! So what’s your name?”

“Lord Voldemort.”

“No, silly! Your real name.”

“I just told you! Lord Voldemort!”

“I understand who you’re dressed up as, but I need your real name.”

“Lord Vol--”

“Look, I can’t make out a check to Lord Voldemort!”

Voldemort looked down at his feet sheepishly and quietly said, “Tom…”

“OK…Tom,” said the lady. “Last name?”

“Riddle…”

“Hang on! That’s still your character’s name! I need your real--”

“MY FIRST NAME IS AVADA! WANNA KNOW MY LAST NAME?”

“I’ll just write this later…”

“Excellent,” said Voldemort, and he ran toward the checkout counter. The cashier was just finishing up with Wormtail.

He stared in disbelief at his servant. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Paying the cashier.”

“I’m the freakin’ Dark Lord, Wormtail! I don’t have to pay!”

“Uh, yeah, you do!” said the cashier. “We’re not going to give you all this stuff for free. I don’t care who you are!”

“INSOLENT MUDBLOOD!” yelled Voldemort, pointing his wand at the cashier.

“Sir, we don’t want any trouble. I’m calling security.”

“WHAT? HOW DARE YOU!” he shouted, but it was too late. Within seconds, three large security guards were tackling Voldy to the floor.

“Get off me at once!”

One of the guards pulled out a tazer. “Sir, don’t make me use this.”

“Hey! Don’t taze me, bro!” said Voldemort threateningly. “Avada ked--”

Zap.

“Ow! Son of a …”

“I’m calling the cops,” interrupted one of the guards (and at a very appropriate moment, I might add). “You’re going to jail for attempted shoplifting and disturbing the peace!” He turned to Wormtail. “Are you with this guy?”

“Uh….No…”

“Oh, some friend you are, Wormtail! Can’t you ever just be cool?” said Voldemort.

The cops soon arrived, and put Voldy and Wormtail in the back seat of their car. However, despite the situation, Voldemort had a devious grin on his face.

“Master, why are you smiling?”

“Don’t you get it, Wormtail? The Dementors are on our side! They will get us out of this!”

“Um…Master… We’re going to a Muggle jail.”

“Oh…Blast!”

Bellatrix was sitting on a couch in the Malfoys’ living room, looking very disturbed (well, more so than usual). “Voldypoo’s not back yet,” she said anxiously. “I think he’s in trouble and needs my help! Maybe if I save him, he’ll finally fall in love with me….”

“Um…sweetie?” said her husband Rodolphus. “I’m sitting right beside you. I can hear every word you’re saying.”

“Yes, you just don’t know when to go away, do you? Well, I have to go and save the love of my life!” She turned on the spot and disappeared.

Rodolphus sighed. “Some anniversary this has been. Still better than last year, though.”

Bellatrix stared up at the Wal-Mart building and shivered. “How can Muggles emanate such evil?” She shivered once more and reluctantly entered the building.

“Welcome to Wal-Mart!” said the greeter.

“Tell me, have you seen this sexy man?” She held up a picture of Voldemort: a glamour shot of him lying on a bed of roses and laughing as he talked on a cell phone.

“Why, yes, I did,” replied the greeter. “He came in here earlier. Would you like a smiley face sticker?”

Bellatrix’s expression instantly became severe. “I am NOT a supporter of your evil corporation!” she screamed. “I support the evil stud muffin Lord Voldemort, and NO ONE else!”

“OK, fine. We’re sure getting a lot of weirdos in here today…,” the greeter said under her breath.

Bellatrix walked quickly, glancing down each aisle she passed, until she saw Lindsey and Monica. “You two!” she called. “Have you seen this sexy man?”

The girls laughed when they saw the picture. “Yeah, totally,” said Monica. “He went toward the hair care aisle.”

“By the way, I agree with you,” said Lindsey. “He really was sexy!”

Bellatrix then made her way to the hair care aisle, but not before pointing a finger menacingly at Lindsey and saying, “You’ll...get...yours.” Voldemort, however, was not there. She searched aisle after aisle, occasionally finding some good prices on black eyeliner and various books about winning bad boys, but no Voldemort. Giving up, she approached a sales clerk to gather more information. “Hey, have you seen--"

“Oh, you must be here to take the place of your friend,” interrupted the sales lady. “I don’t know why he ran off so fast, but at least you’re here now. I’ll just write you up a check.”

“What the heck are you…ooh, money? All righty then.”

“Can I get your name?”

“Bellatrix Lestrange.”

“Oh, not this again! Just tell me your real name!”

“Weren’t you listening? It’s Bellatrix--”

“No! Your real name!”

“It’s Bella--”

“Please just stop with this!”

“You idiot! I’m telling you--”

“I’m not asking again--”

“AVADA KEDAVRA!”

The sales lady fell over. People were staring.

“Oh crap,” said Bellatrix. She tossed a Galleon to each of the staring people. “You guys didn’t see anything.”

Suddenly, it hit her-- the cashier must have seen her beloved Voldypoo if he left! So she ran to the checkout counter and held up the picture anxiously.

“Have you seen this sexy man?”

“Yes,” said the cashier. “He tried to steal a basket full of merchandise a while ago. The police came and took him to jail. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to hurry to the electronics section. Some crazy lady just killed one of our staff!”

Bellatrix shook her head. “What’s wrong with people these days?” Then she turned on the spot and disappeared.

Voldemort and Wormtail were sitting on their bunk bed in a Muggle jail cell. Voldemort had claimed the top bunk as soon as they got there, and threatened Wormtail with death if he tried to take it.

“I spy with my evil eye,” said Voldemort, “something grey.”

“Is it the wall again, Master?”

“Blast! OK, I spy with my evil eye, something made of stone.”

“Wall?”

“Blast!”

Suddenly Bellatrix appeared outside the cell. “Voldypoo!” she said happily. “I looked all over Wal-Mart for you. I even killed some sales lady.”

“Did she argue with you about your name?” asked Voldemort.

“Yeah, she did.”

“Dang it, Bella, she was gonna give me money!”

“My bad. So did you get my eyeliner?”

“Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. You don’t want the male Death Eaters to get the wrong idea. They’re not as innocent as you might think. You know, there’s only one thing on their minds!”

“You mean killing Harry Potter?”

“OK…two things.”

“Master?” said Wormtail. “Shouldn’t we get out of here?”

“Shut up, Wormtail!” snapped Bellatrix. “You were saying, Voldypoo?” she continued in an affectionate tone.

“He’s right,” said Voldemort. “Get us out of here…. And stop calling me Voldypoo!”

“Whatever you say, you steamy hunk of man candy!”

“Oh, yeah, like that’s much better….”

“Bombarda!” she said, and the door flew open.

As they were leaving, Voldemort turned to the hulking figure in the cell next to the one they had just vacated and said menacingly, “Who’s your mama now?”

The sun was setting as Voldemort, Wormtail, and Bellatrix walked through a forest nearby a busy Muggle city. They had Apparated far away from the jail; therefore they had no fear of being caught.

“That was quite an invigorating escape,” said Voldemort. “I thought we’d never…Wormtail, if you hum one more bar of that James Bond music, I will kill you!”

“Sorry, Master….”

“So annoying….Anyways, Bella, I have to tell you about all the crazy things that happened to me and Wormtail while we were in jail! One gentleman offered me ‘Coke’, and so I accepted. But alas, what I received was something much different from a refreshing beverage. I swear, if they hadn’t confiscated my wand, I would have opened up a can of  Avada Kedavra on his…Do you find something funny?”

Bellatrix was trying not to laugh. “Nothing….”

“You think you’re so smart, don’t you?” said Voldemort. “I suppose you’re some expert on prison--” He paused, and a look of embarrassing realization spread across his face. “Oh, right. The Azkaban thing.”

“Um, right….,” said Bellatrix awkwardly. “By the way, just out of curiosity, why couldn’t you just Apparate out of jail?”

“Well, you see,” said Voldemort, “there’s a good reason for that. It’s, um...you see…it’s quite simple, really…the thing is…BLAST!!!”

Bellatrix giggled. “That’s all right, you’re still a hottie. So now where do we go?”

“I have a suggestion,” said Wormtail.

“I’ve told you a million times, Wormtail,” said Voldemort. “We’re not going to Hooters, so just drop it!”

“Actually, I was going to suggest going to another store to get the things on the list. Perhaps a less evil store…maybe Target?”

Voldemort considered this. “Well, they are less sinister than Wal-Mart, and their gift cards are simply adorable!”

“Excellent! And after Target--”

“Drop it, Wormtail!”

With that, they set off, and it didn’t take them long to find the local Target.

“Dang, it sure didn’t take us long to find the local Target,” commented Voldemort.

They walked in the door and looked around. The place felt friendlier than Wal-Mart did, and none of the employees looked miserable. This was slightly to Voldy’s distaste, but hey, it was better than being tackled down and tazed.

“Holy crap!” exclaimed Voldemort. “They have a Starbucks in here!”

The three hurried over to the Starbucks counter, knocking over two carts and an old lady on the way.

“I’ll have a grande white chocolate mocha cappuccino,” said Wormtail.

“I’ll have a tall double chocolate chip frappuccino with whipped cream on top,” said Voldemort.

“I’ll have what the sexy guy’s having!” said Bellatrix eagerly.

Voldemort whispered to the cashier, “Make hers a decaf.”

Upon receiving his coffee, Voldemort threatened a small family into leaving their table. There was a free table next to that one, but he wanted to sit by the window. And besides that, he would never dream of passing up a chance to give random people death threats. The three sat down leisurely, as if nothing of consequence had just happened.

 Before Voldemort and Wormtail could even stir their coffee, Bellatrix flipped her cup over and proceeded to pour every last drop of the scalding hot liquid down her throat. They watched in astonishment as she bounced up and down in her seat and spoke rapidly, never stopping to breathe. “I love coffee! Coffee’s great! I’ve never felt so hyper! Except for whenever I’m stalking you, Voldypoo! Did I say that out loud? Oops, I did! Oh well! Isn’t coffee great? Coffee’s great!”

“Master,” whispered Wormtail, “has she taken one breath since we sat down?”

“No….,” replied Voldemort.

“Should we tell her it’s decaf?”

“Not yet. This is rather amusing.”

“Yes…rather.”

“COFFEE RULES!!!” screamed Bellatrix. People began to stare.

“Shall we tell her now, Master?”

“Yes, now would be a good time. Bella, that’s decaf.”

No sooner had the word “decaf” been uttered, than she fell unconscious to the floor.

“I suppose we should have said something sooner,” said Voldemort. “Oh well. She’ll wake up eventually.”

Just as the Dark Lord said, it wasn’t long until Bellatrix woke up.

“Dang, it sure didn’t take me long to wake up,” commented Bellatrix.

“Yes, rather,” said Voldemort, “Now let’s shop!”

Shopping at Target was undoubtedly more peaceful than shopping at a certain other “store of evil.” They managed to collect everything on the list with no interruptions-- no pestering greeter, no annoying teenagers, and no DVD sales lady (May she rest in peace). Before long, they were at the front of the checkout line.

“Um…Master,” said Wormtail, “I’m not saying you have to, or anything, but maybe if you actually pay for the stuff this time, we won’t have to go to jail again.”

“You mean I can’t just kill people and run?” asked Voldemort regretfully. “’Cause that would be great!”

“Well, that would probably cause a lot of problems, what with this being a Muggle store and all…. Besides; somebody has already performed an unforgivable curse in front of Muggles today!”

“I told you, Wormtail, it’s all good!” said Bellatrix. “I bribed them!”

“Why didn’t you just use a memory charm?”

“Well, you see…the thing is…it's quite simple, really...CURSES!!!”

“Shut up, you imbeciles!” said Voldemort. “I won’t like it, but I’ll pay the man. This is so degrading, paying for goods.…”

The cashier bagged the last item (a Malibu Barbie) and added up the total cost. Voldemort reached in his pocket and pulled out ten Galleons. “This should cover it.”

The cashier examined one of the Galleons. “Sir, I don’t know what kind of currency this is, but I can’t accept it.”

“What are you rambling about? That’s a Galleon! The most valuable of all the wizarding…oh crap. Listen, I’m afraid I don’t have any Muggle, I mean, non magical, I mean… I don’t have the right kind of money. But you’re cool, right? You’ll take foreign money, right? …Right?”

“I’m sorry, sir, but I just can’t-- OH MY GOSH, IT BURNS!!!” The cashier screamed, for Wormtail had taken a can of pepper spray and maced him right in the eyes!

“Holy crap, Wormtail!” said Voldemort, clearly impressed. “Where did you get that Crucio-in-a-can?”

“I stole it from a prison guard, but I think it’s called ‘mace’,” said Wormtail.

“Really? Mace? I suppose they thought ‘Crucio-in-a-can’ was just too long a name. Now grab the stuff and let’s run!”

They ran as fast as they could to the outside of the building and, when no one was looking, Apparated to the Riddle mansion.

“That was freakin’ awesome, Wormtail!” said Voldemort when they arrived. “That’s like the coolest thing anyone’s ever done for the Dark Lord!”

Wormtail looked extremely proud, and Bellatrix looked extremely jealous.

“Oh, don’t look so extremely jealous,” said Voldemort. “I mean, what have you done for me lately?”

“I got you out of jail!”

“I said lately.”

“It was two hours ago!”

“Exactly! Two whole hours! Wormtail maced the crap out of that dude two minutes ago! He’s, like, awesome!”

“I suppose….”

“Hey, Master?” said Wormtail, “I just had a bad thought. What if this is the end of our crazy adventures?”

“You know, Wormtail,” said Voldemort, “I have a feeling there will be no shortage of crazy adventures in the near future.”

“What makes you say that, Master?”

“I don’t know. What do I look like, a flippin’ psychic? Ask the author.”

“But she’s mean to me….”

Wormtail dropped one of Draco’s stiletto knives, and it fell on his foot.

“Ow! You see what I mean?” said Wormtail, in much pain.

“Shut up, Wormtail.” Voldemort unlocked the door and the three went inside, but Wormtail tripped on his way in and dropped everything he was holding.

“Cut that out!”

Ha, ha, Wormtail. Ha, ha.

 One week later…

Lord Voldemort stood in front of all his followers, outside the Riddle Mansion. Each Death Eater held a tazer in hand, looking confused.

 “I suppose you’re all wondering why I called you here,” said the Dark Lord. “Today, my friends, I shall be introducing to you a very useful new weapon: the Crucio-in-a-Can!”

The Death Eaters all gasped and whispered excitedly to one another.

“Now, I’m sure you’re all wondering just how to use this device. Well, you just push this button here, and then simply attack whomever you wish. Pay attention, everyone, for Bellatrix will now provide an example for you by using her Crucio-in-a-Can on Wormtail, who so kindly volunteered to take place in this demonstration! Give him a hand, folks!”

Wormtail grimaced. When he volunteered, he had had something more like serving Kool-Aid in mind. Bellatrix grinned evilly as she approached him.

“Oh, wait just one moment, Bella,” interrupted Voldemort. “I did forget to mention one thing. To fully allow the Crucio-in-a-Can to reach its full extent of power, you must simply utter an incantation before using it. Repeat after me, everyone. Pervert!”

“Pervert!” shouted all the Death Eaters with enthusiasm.

Voldemort smirked. As if the Order could ever dream of defeating him now!